


The Inspiration of Dr. Cox

by Hopeful_Puppy



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Scrubs (TV)
Genre: Gen, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, the snark is strong with this one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-19
Updated: 2017-11-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:21:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22883224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hopeful_Puppy/pseuds/Hopeful_Puppy
Summary: He wanted to blame Dudley for this. He really, really did. But to blame it on Dudley would be implying that this change was a bad thing and quite frankly, Harry was kind of enjoying his new outlet of anger and snark.
Kudos: 19





	1. My God, Barbie!

**Author's Note:**

> Before anyone who recognises this Freaks and cries "Plagerism!" (I'd like to hope you would), tis myself!  
> I've just been spending a lot of time on Ao3, so I thought I'd give it a go and get an account.  
> Eh-Voila!

He wanted to blame Dudley for this. He really, _really_ did. But to blame it on Dudley would be implying that this change was a bad thing and quite frankly, Harry was kind of enjoying his new outlet of anger and snark. That did not mean that he enjoyed mass displays of venting in front of the Hogwarts population, however.

When he came home for the summer, Harry did not expect his daily life at the Dursleys to improve much despite the fact that he now had an escaped convict for a godfather; and he was right for the most part. Dudley, however, had been gifted with a new boxset of a series off the TV and had gotten it into his head that he wanted Harry to sit down and watch it with him. Since it was a luxury he’d never been allowed before and because he had nothing better to do than worry for his newly found godfather on the run, Harry agreed with only a few suspicious questions. Despite Dudley uttering nothing but a few mumbles about how it was his guidance teacher’s idea, something that clearly upset and irked Petunia and Vernon, the two estranged cousins spent their free holiday time bonding over seasons one and two of the medical comedy, Scrubs.

When Harry eventually left for the Burrow on good terms with Dudley for the first time in nearly his entire life it was for one reason he was aware of and one reason only. Harry had picked up the mannerisms of one Doctor Perry Cox with alarming ease and Dudley found this absolutely hilarious. Originally, Harry had been somewhat repulsed by Dr. Cox’s character for the sole reason that he strongly reminded him of Professor Snape. Despite that, the more he watched the series the more he found himself liking the character. Yes, he admitted that Dr. Cox was an ass on a level with Snape but he just seemed to have more… Heart. This, Harry was sure, had nothing to do with the ironic fact that he was a doctor working in a hospital called Sacred Heart.

Explaining all of this to Hermione was easier than it was to explain it to Ron and some of the other Weasleys, purely because Hermione had heard of the sitcom and, at the very least, knew the function of a television. Ron had also been as repulsed as Harry had at the idea of a Snape like Doctor (read; Healer) right up until Harry let rip at the Twins in such a Dr. Cox like fashion it had Hermione and the other Weasley children present in tears with their laughter. He’d been glowing red with embarrassment for days afterwards, never having blown up at someone in such a way with an audience, and was thankful that neither the Weasley parents nor Percy were around to witness it as they would surely be very disapproving of his new attitude, or so he assumed. Though the Twins now thought he was the coolest thing since Zonko’s Jokes for some reason.

All of this, of course, led him to where he was now, standing in front of Draco Malfoy in the Great Hall with an audience from three separate schools. He was sure Malfoy was meant to be insulting his flying abilities and Quidditch skills, but he’d attempted to do it by asking a rather obvious question, which in turn, led to the snapping of Harry’s rather feeble restraint. Harry had only realised later what a golden opportunity Malfoy had given him.

“Because you should never, _ever_ jinx a seeker when he has the chance to throw a perfect game,” he barked right in Malfoy’s face to the blonde’s discomforting surprise before Harry spun on his heel and marched off still ranting. “My God, Barbie! How do you put your bra and panties _on_ in the morning?! All by yourself! It’s -Remarkable!!”*

Harry didn’t notice as he left, too frustrated with himself for snapping like that in front on not just one student body but three, but the stunned silence encompassed the entire Hall before Hermione, of all people, gave a little giggle, making a flush of colour appear on Malfoy’s cheeks. The sight of that released the floodgates and Malfoy’s spluttering was soon drowned out by uproarious laughter. Harry would later be surprised to learn that he didn’t actually lose any points for event, which seemed to make the Weasley Twins indescribably proud.


	2. Touch My Knife

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the weeks following what became known as the ‘Barbie’s Remarkable Bra and Panties’ incident, Malfoy tried very hard, desperately hard, to get back at Harry; to the point that even Hermione thought he was stalking Harry. But in that moment, Harry didn’t really care because this obsession Malfoy had with him was getting ridiculous and he knew a pair of Twins who would be more than happy to help him do something about it.

* * *

In the weeks following what became known as the ‘Barbie’s Remarkable Bra and Panties’ incident, Malfoy tried very hard, _desperately_ hard, to get back at Harry; to the point that even Hermione thought he was stalking Harry. It all came to a head one day when Harry, Ron and Hermione walked out of a classroom, Having just finished practising some new spells for the Tournament, to find Malfoy with his usual posse just outside the door. Malfoy grinned maliciously.

“Scared Potter? I would be with spells like that-”

He may have had an entire prepared for all the students present for the confrontation knew, but that’s as far as he got with it because Harry, without missing a beat and with a completely straight face, deadpanned;

“Barbie. Nobody likes a lookie-loo. Not now, not ever.”

He then seemed to completely disregard Malfoy as he turned to leave with Hermione, hiding a smile behind her hand, and Ron, openly grinning, on his heels. The operative word in that sentence is ‘seemed’, because no sooner had Malfoy reached for his wand and uttered a syllable, than Harry had already magically silenced him over his shoulder with a glare as he continued to walk away with his friends.

Later, Harry would learn that Professor Flitwick had been witness to the little confrontation and had actually awarded Harry points for ending the potential fight before it could begin. But in that moment, Harry didn’t really care because this obsession Malfoy had with him was getting ridiculous and he knew a pair of Twins who would be more than happy to help him do something about it. There would be a lot of liars in Gryffindor House if they denied being worried about seeing Harry Potter ‘The Trouble Magnet’ speaking in hushed tones with the current Pranking Kings that were the Weasley twins. The fact that these quiet meetings took place in a darkened corner of the Common Room for several nights in a row was just extra proof someone’s social life was about to die a horribly embarrassing death. The only one who didn’t seem worried was Hermione, who started sniggering to herself nearly every time she looked over at the three boys. This did nothing to ease the other student’s fears. In fact, it may have put them even more on edge.

Harry knew this could quite possibly blow up in their faces when they finally finished planning. But the blackmail and comedic value if they got this right was worth the risk, in his mind anyway and the Twins seemed to agree with him. Originally, Harry was going to be the one acting the most, as he was the one who knew what he was supposed to be saying, the best. However, they decided to switch it to Fred fairly quickly because Harry didn’t believe he could pull off the frantic demands needed. George would be hidden, as he would be the one to re-enforce the illusion in case their target didn’t believe it. The three cohorts had actually asked Lee Jordan and Colin Creevey to help with recon and the actual blackmail, much to Jordan’s joy and Creevey’s ecstatic pleasure. They had left the other two boys to their own devises after that because if they couldn’t pull it off the other two Gryffindors wouldn’t be needed. The involved parties were decidedly aware that for this plan to work, all the players had to be in a semi-private place where their victim could find them but they wouldn’t be disturbed. They were also relying on the fact that Malfoy was _actually_ following Harry around. They were extremely pleased to discover that the blonde didn’t let them down on that front, when he came running in on their set up in a spacious alcove off the beaten track of Hogwarts.

“Potter!” Malfoy hissed triumphantly. “I’ve finally- Merlin’s Balls! That’s disgusting!”

Harry and Fred looked up from where they had been examining a knife, from a standard potions kit, that was imbedded in the redhead’s hand.

“Barbie,” Harry warned in a reproving tone. “What did I say about being a lookie-loo?”

“I’ll be fine,” Fred reassured Harry, completely ignoring the blonde after his initial entrance. “George is cleaning up at the moment, but he numbed it before he sent me off and we both think it hasn’t touched the bones or anything, so-“

He trailed off when he looked up at Harry from his hand and followed the bespectacled boy’s gaze to where Malfoy was actually swaying and looking much paler than normal. He was playing right into their hands. Harry looked marginally surprised.

“Oh, dear God, she’s getting woozy. Quickly, show her the bloody side.”

Fred jumped to follow his instructions, waving his bloody palm, with the knife’s blade sticking out of the middle, in front of Malfoy’s face. Harry pointed to the bladed and asked the blonde sincerely.

“Do you want to touch it?”

“Go ahead and touch it,” Fred insisted, “Touch my knife. Touch it! Touch my knife!! TOUCH IT!! LICK THE TIP OF MY-"

“Goodnight,” Harry intoned as they watched the Malfoy Heir keel over. He wasn’t unconscious yet though, so they kept talking. Harry turned back to Fred. “Come on, we need to get you to Madame Pomfrey.”

“What about Tough Guy?” Fred asked gesturing to Malfoy who looked up at them blearily.

“She’ll probably be fine once we leave, the git. If not, somebody will get her,” Harry assured him dully.

Fred nodded and then bent down to twiddle the fingers of his bloodied palm in Malfoy’s face again;

“Bye-bye!”

“Oh no, don’t,” the blonde groaned before finally passing out into oblivion. George stepped out from behind a large tapestry to a hidden passage and the three conscious boys left standing grinned at each other.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That Brendan Frasier episode that lulls you into a false sense of security with its opening humour and then batters you about the heart with all the feels!...  
> That one.
> 
> Meant to upload this yesterday but have been sick as a dog the last few days and completely forgot...  
> Hope you enjoyed it!!


	3. They Hate You, Sev

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first part of their plan having been a complete and unmitigated success, the newly dubbed Troublesome Trio called in their back up for phase two of their plan. The day the fruit of their labour was to be distributed, Harry made himself a very solid alibi for that morning and the night before, just to be safe. He was sorry to have missed it, but his co-conspirators spared no details in their retelling of the event.

* * *

The first part of their plan having been a complete and unmitigated success, the newly dubbed Troublesome Trio called in their back up for phase two of their plan. Back up came in the form of Lee, with his attention to detail and Colin, with his camera and knowledge of the muggle world. Within an hour and a half, an entire photoshoot was performed in a forgotten room of Hogwart’s with Malfoy’s unconscious body and the boys’ imaginative transfiguration and charms skills as the subject on display.

Within two hours, Fred and Harry had dragged Malfoy’s still unconscious form down to the infirmary. With Fred’s numbed hand freshly run through with a potion’s knife (for real this time), Harry and Fred told the Matron exactly what had happened to bring not only Fred, but Malfoy as well, into the woman’s medical care, only leaving out the part where they used Malfoy as a mannequin for a number of pink themed outfits. Madame Pomfrey was of course suspicious. She had yet to see any Gryffindor bring in a Malfoy out of the goodness of their heart, especially a Potter or a Weasley. When questioned however, after a long suffering eye roll from Harry and mutinous muttering from Fred, the two boys explained very logically that; while they had originally intended to leave the blonde where he had fainted, they realised that having been the last two people the Malfoy had seen would mean that, regardless of who actually did anything to the blonde ponce, Harry and Fred would be blamed. Even if he was in the unmolested way he was brought into the infirmary, they told Madame Pomfrey, they would still be blamed for putting him there through nefarious means. Which is exactly what happened when Malfoy woke up and started complaining about ‘being attacked by a Weasel and Potter”. Madame Pomfrey was surprisingly unsympathetic.

Nothing came about Malfoy’s loud complaints because, as far as anyone could make out, the situation had gone exactly as the two teens had explained it. They had even been seen strolling towards the infirmary looking troubled, marching back the way they came wearing scowls and then dragging the comatose blonde between them towards the infirmary again with a mixture of amusement and annoyance. That this was all an elaborate alibi made never-no-mind to anyone involved in the scheme. That just meant more attention on what Fred and Harry were doing, rather than what George, Lee and Colin were doing, which was rather more incriminating.

It also meant Harry had ‘plausible deniability’ about the photos production. Not necessarily that they were produced, but more how they were produced. This plausible deniability was also the reason there was very little contact between the Weasley Twins, Lee, Colin and Harry, after Harry had helped Fred to the infirmary. Aside from a small warning as to when the photos would be distributed (and the subject of the photos, because that had admittedly been his idea), Harry knew nothing about them.

The day the fruit of their labour was to be distributed, Harry made himself a very solid alibi for that morning and the night before, just to be safe. Homework with Hermione for most of the evening in the library, chess with Ron into the wee hours of the morning in the Gryffindor common room, followed by bed, an early breakfast in the Great Hall and training for the tournament in an unused classroom with Hermione, Ginny and Neville. He was sorry to have missed it, but his co-conspirators spared no details in their retelling of the event.

They vividly described how after Harry had left with his friends and at the peak of the morning breakfast rush, hundreds of magazine size photos came tumbling out of the rafters (courtesy of some very helpful House Elves) and sailed down onto their surprised audience. How nearly all the students from all three schools reached up to grab at the falling papers to see what they were. How their confused interest turned to outright amusement at seeing Draco Malfoy winking his blue eyes lightly dusted with pink eyeshadow, his lengthened blonde hair tied up in a ponytail to the side of his head and striking a confident pose in his sparkly pink strapless dress that just reached his mid-thigh. The pranksters described how this fabulously feminine image was printed on a stylized pink background over the caption; “Barbie Girl”. And how the students outright amusement turned to gleeful delight when they realised “Barbie Girl” was just one of a large set of images that included, but was not limited to, “Barbie Boy”, “Malibu Barbie”, “Hollywood Barbie”, “Princess Barbie”, “Fairy Princess Barbie”, “Doctor Barbie Girl” and “Doctor Barbie Boy”. They finished their epic retelling with the reminder that they had promised to save Harry a copy of all the photos and Colin grandly gifting him with a bound copy of the “Barbie TriWizard Tournament Collection” which included exclusive images, such as “Damsel-In-Distress Barbie”, “Nutcracker Barbie” and “Mermaid Barbie”. Harry was truly touched by the gesture, under all of his gut busting amusement. He was also exceedingly grateful they had held off on telling him of their legendary success until after his run in with Snape.

Snape had been on the veritable war path since Harry’s new attitude came to light after the “Barbie’s Remarkable Bra and Panties” incident, convinced it was James Potter’s arrogance developing to a whole new level, even if everyone with a working set of eyes could see this was a different beast entirely. No sooner had he realised what was falling from the ceiling of the Great Hall and heard the whining tone of his Godson, he was scanning the Gryffindor table looking for the last remaining Potter. Upon seeing that he was not in attendance at the time, Snape went hunting for him.

However, rather than ask (read; demand) that someone tell him where Harry Potter was, Snape took off to find the teen himself, which lead to him stalking the halls for an extended period of time, his temper slowly but surely rising until he started snapping at anything that even glanced at him, including portraits and ghosts. Eventually, he royally blew up at a group of Ravenclaw students; reducing a number of them to tears and making all of them flee his presence for the safety of their Tower. It would take days for them to be convinced to leave it. Snape acknowledged the fact that Professor Flitwick would be less than pleased with him and would undoubtedly have a few words to say on the matter (understatement of the century) but Snape was too self-satisfied to care. Basking in his satisfaction however, meant that rather than find his quarry, his quarry found him.

“You really enjoy giving out the ‘Tough Love’, don’t you?” a sly voice stated from behind the Head of Slytherin.

Snape whirled around to see Harry standing in front of a group of students with a sardonic look on his face. Not many noticed Professor McGonagall join the crowd with another group of students soon after Harry started speaking.

“They probably like it too, Sev, whether they admit it or not.”

Harry suddenly smiled bashfully as he clasped his hands behind him and started twisting his torso from side to side. Then he spoke in a funny voice with an American accent.

‘Ah, the old guy’s so tough on me but, I love him’. Right? Right?”

Snape’s eye twitched before he thought of his Slytherins and another self-satisfied expression settled over his features. It was quickly replaced with a dark scowl at Harry’s next words.

“They hate you Sev,” Harry stated flatly with a derisive look in his eyes before he glanced down at Snape’s shoes and trailed his gaze back up to the black eyes of the Potion’s Master as he spoke.

“They hate you from the bottom of your hooves to the top of your pitchfork. They hate you, dear God, they hate you good.”

Snape glared at Harry in absolute fury until the look in the teen’s green eyes finally registered with him. It wasn’t the normal Potter Posturing that he’d become familiar with in both father and son. It wasn’t even the Red-Headed Rage of the Evan’s that he’d seen a handful of times from Lily and her parents. This was something different. Something much darker, more calculating, more… Dangerous. Snape felt a shiver roll up his arms and down his spine at the sudden malicious intent that surrounded his being. Harry’s lips twisted into a cruel smirk. Snape hesitated, the teen’s demeanour was different and clearly he knew all about the effect it was having on the Potion’s Master.

A muffled snort disrupted their stare down as both the dark haired student and teacher turned and blinked in surprise at Professor McGonagall, her eyes twinkling with mirth and her hand hiding her smile. Harry and his calculations forgotten, Snape glared in indignant fury at the transfiguration professor.

“Do you find something amusing, Minerva?” was all but hissed in her direction.

“That ‘hooves and the pitchforks’ comment, ehem” stated McGonagall with an amused cough, before she narrowed her eyes at her former student. “Why?”

Snape was not a foolish man and had plenty of experience with the elder witch’s glares of promised retribution so he said the most intelligent thing he could.

“Never mind.”

McGonagall observed the younger man with pierced lips for a moment longer before dismissing his presence with a sniff and turning her attention to her current student.

“Potter, you have detention with me for the next three nights.”

Harry blinked slowly at the declaration and kept his tone carefully neutral, though completely respectful, when he spoke.

“May I ask what the official reason is, Professor?”

McGonagall raised her eyebrow, more at the phrasing than the actual question, though no one was to know that; “Disrespecting a professor in front of witnesses, by not using their appropriate title, perhaps.”

There was an expectant pause as the audience of the hall watched Harry consider this and the students held their breath as he returned his gaze to meet that of his Head of House;

“Tough, but fair. See you in detention Professor.”

He’d been expecting to be given detention for his new attitude long ago anyway.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing it!
> 
> If it inspires anyone to write something similar (or even a continuation...) please let me know because I would LOVE to read it!

**Author's Note:**

> *Dr. Cox, series one, I believe.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
